"party of five."

i'm going to talk about five people in my life and keep it as anonymous as possible. yeah...a couple of them are quite obvious but the main purpose of this excercise for me is to really take a closer look at five significant people in my life and really analyze the depths of my connection with them and how i feel about them:

1) i never expected you and i to be friends...but lo and behold you've turned out to be the closest one i've got. it's not that we talk a lot or that we've know each other for years...that's not what this friendship is about. what matters is all the experiences we've shared, the adventures and the drama. the laughs and the randomness. graduations, debuts, food runs, retreats, dance routines, dances, birthdays, hospital visits, shopping trips, games, parties, jam sessions, video games, bbqs, accidents, funerals, whatever...we've been through a whole lot of life together in such little time. i loe the fact that we think the same and pretty much say the same things at the same time like it's natural. you're the most loyal friend i got and i'm blessed to have you in my life because i seriously would have died or something along those lines a long time ago. you've taught me a lot about life and about myself. i promise you that will all that i am and all that i got...i will always be there for you...like urkel! hahahahaha.

2) you amaze me. i can sincerely declare that you are one of the few that have made me feel this way. you've either expanded the horizons of my world or introduced new things to it. i don't know if i can ever truly show how much you mean to me or how thankful i am for you but i do promise that our relationship will come as close as it gets to acheiving all that. i don't want to imagine how my life would be without you and your influence on me. i've had some of the best times of my life with you and that's for real real...not for play play.

3) my so-called eternal rival. i can't help but ultimately measure everything i do to everything you achieve in your life. is there really a competition between us...we fought to top each other in everything back then. we're so different...but so damn similar if that makes any sense. i always seemed to be following you in some way...you're the reason why i got into things like basketball, polo, tommy hilfiger, keroppi, and dragonball z (oh the childhood memories). on that note...i would like to think that you've followed me on things i've done and i can see that in the past. just when i thought we had both forged lives no longer linked to each other like before...i'm chasing the dream of being an lvn like you now. growing up...you were my friend and my antagonist at the same time. above all that...you were the brother i never had...the one that was always in my corner. you always lifted me up when we were young...and now i'll do whatever it takes to always be the one who never lets you down as we get older. we don't really talk anymore and we hardly see each other...but you and i both know we're bound together for life and beyond.

4) to say that you came in the clutch is an understatement. i didn't know what i was going to do with the situations in my life and then you showed up to help me out through random and indirect ways. i'm not sure if you're aware of this...but you changed me for good. i mean...there's a difference between the man i was before we got close and the man i am afterwards. you inspired me to read more, dress differently (and subsequently better), and live my life in a way i knew i couldn't do alone. i'm ever so thankful of our friendship and no matter what has happened recently or will happen...we're still going to be friends.

5) fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...shame on me. i'll admit it: i was a fool for you. i thought that you were different from others in a good way...but you proved me wrong. we just weren't meant to be. it was my fault and my mistake. the price i paid is clear. i sacrificed more than you'll ever know and even gave up personal success and growth for you hoping you'd do the same and ultimately help me live a better life and become a better person. but no...you proved me wrong. i'll always be grateful for things you did for me...but never think you did more, suffered more, or loved more. i was the one with the broken trust, the broken heart, and the broken confidence. that will always hurt more than your broken skin. but like i said...i thank you for all you did for me. by breaking my heart and letting me go...you pushed me away and i slowly but surely learned and grew to become a better person. recovery seriously started the moment i realized the truth...it's weird how it all worked out like such. space is what we both needed and i'm glad you were the one to take the intiative. so i suppose in a way you did make me a better person. you can't even imagine how much my life is better without you by my side...better than the whatever number of months we spent together. that is definitely a grace i don't ever take for granted. when i look at your life, i definitely see change but growth is slight. don't get it twisted...never forget this...i'll always have love for you and you'll be in my prayers but you got to help yourself and stop being emotionally dependent on others. be strong on your own and find beauty is loving and being simple. high heels, makeup, and flashy clothes only make you look like something. a smile and a laugh here and there only makes you look nice. and having people around without really connecting with everyone like you should only makes you look friendly. stop looking like someone...start being someone. step it up. you're an amazing person who could be so much better. you know this to be true...you don't invest enough faith and hope. what enough is...that's up to you. all i can say is that you need take joy and confidence in true beauty and true love. be real and grow. you're no longer the girl i fell for but you're someone good nevertheless. darkness doesn't last forever and light will always prevail...i have hope you'll ultimately prove me wrong yet again.