"don't stop believing."

i should be constantly reminded that this year and what is to come in immediate future after it is my penance, my atonement, my rehab, and my reset. i get caught up in the mix of work, school, church, home, and everything in-between that i forget what this year is all about. i have to remember that for the past couple of years...my life was going nowhere. i think of it as a car on the way to someplace amazing...let's use vegas since this analogy is like a road trip. my car gets stalled and i'm stuck in the desert. no exits in sight. home and vegas are both far away. it's hot and i have limited resources. no cars stop to help. it's just me and my car. and just to make things worse...there's no reception to call on my cell. at first...i try and fix the car. it takes a long while before i realize the battery is done and i need to jumpstart it and get it moving. however...i don't do that. i just stay by my car and think. i stay by my car and find something else productive to do. i do everything but the right thing to get back on my way. ultimately...with the heat getting to me, time dwindling away, and the pressure rising...i do what's right. this is my life...this is me in recent years up until now when i'm finally doing what i need to do. it's unfortunate that i've let this happen to me...that i've made a whole lot of bad moves and failed to succeed on a habitual basis. but that's no longer the case. yes...i'm still suffering although this time around there's meaning to it...there's purpose. it's more than suffering...it's sacrifice...it's investment. this very same concept that applies to love applies to my life. after all we live to love and love to live. and not just love to live as in we love our lives but we love in order to live...to exist. anyways...this week has been exhausting for me. it's a relatively short week but so much has happened. i've been working at night and going to the hospital/school during the day. i'm sad that i won't be an active part of the retreat this weekend. i have not spent much time at home and i'm physically/emotionally/spiritually drained. so much negativity...and yet hope exists. i've improved relationships with co-workers, gotten off on a good start to the new term, and i've made amends with classmates/friends that have been distant with me for the past couple of weeks. i have a weekend of no work or school obligations that i plan to spend healing and recovering my whole self. i will be a prayer warrior for the retreat which has always produced nothing but positive things in the lives of the people i pray for and for myself. i'm a broken man indeed...under construction after having been torn down to build myself back up. i've got a lot to make up for and prove to my family, friends, peers, and myself. it's going to take a lot of time to get to where i want to be with my being and my life but i'll get there...my car is up and running and i'm on the way to vegas. and when i get there...i'll know for sure that the journey has made the destination all the more worthwhile. don't stop believing...hold on to that feeling! hahaha...couldn't help myself. auf wiedersen homies.