"TKO."

next wednesday, december 10, i make my long awaited comeback to concorde. i return to finish what i started, continuing where i left off. the past couple of months have been both hard and easy. i've suffered much but i've also enjoyed my time. the next seven months will be challenging. as much as i wish there wasn't, there's going to be more drama and more pressure. regardless, i'm ready to get back into the grind again. i'm going to suffer some more...but i'll do whatever it takes to live some more, love some more, succeed some more.

last week at pat's post-thanksgiving party, we were playing rock band 2 and i was listening to paramore's "that's what you get." i've never heard the song before and i'm now in love with it.

"that's what you get when you let your heart win."

this phrase from the chorus keeps repeating in my mind. true to the words...i don't always act or think logically. i tend to do things based on my passion for it. i get carried away with following my heart.

"i drowned all my senses with sound of its beating."

i make mistakes over and over again...this wouldn't happen so much if i actually used my brain more. i probably would be a more rational and more responsible person if i didn't act so much on what i feel...if i actually became more aware and the urgency to be a better man. during my time away from concorde...i've been learning (the hard way) to achieve this...to be more real than ideal and to think things through more thoroughly. it's been difficult but i believe to be growing slowly but surely.

i'm going to be honest. i'm not exactly the image of what a nurse should be. people see me more as a teacher than a nurse. they say i'm not responsible enough, i'm not cut out for it, and i don't have what it takes to be a nurse. they think i'm talented in teaching people, reaching out to others and helping them. what those people don't understand is that this is why i want to be a nurse. beyond the pressure of my parents and criticism from whoever...i want to be a nurse because i know this what i'm supposed to do. i didn't believe that at first and i did want to do other things. my past failures in school discouraged me. i felt i couldn't live up to my ambition. i fall, get up, and fall again even harder...a vicious cycle. but, my love of nursing only grew through it all. there's no joy that compares to what i feel when i'm able to help a patient out and spend time with them. my life, my soul flourishes through my service. i want to be nurse because of that...because i can make a lifelong career out of the best thing in life...doing what i love with the people i love. this is where my heart has taken me...i've arrived at this realization. i know i'm going to make more mistakes, but i'm going to keep going, keep growing. i'll never be the perfect nurse...but i'll be a nurse with a good heart. a capable nurse with the talent and knowledge to do the damn thing. and yeah...by being a nurse, i'll be able to teach compassion and care. i'll be able to show people how to live well.

i'll continue to use my heart as i have before. i'm going to make compromises now and i will step it up with maturity, but i won't stop letting my heart thrive in what i do. this is who i am. i can't change that and what i've done, although i will change for the better.

i have to reiterate that my life is filled with many flaws, mistakes, and failures. however, all my actions have led me to a life filled with so much love, so much joy, so much hope, so much beauty. i have learned through my past to persevere, to keep going no matter what because the best is always yet to come. i've realized that it is through my passion as well as suffering that i become stronger and better. i've learned to truly live...

and that's what you get when you let your heart win.




december 10...is the beginning of my victory.