"don't stop believing."

i should be constantly reminded that this year and what is to come in immediate future after it is my penance, my atonement, my rehab, and my reset. i get caught up in the mix of work, school, church, home, and everything in-between that i forget what this year is all about. i have to remember that for the past couple of years...my life was going nowhere. i think of it as a car on the way to someplace amazing...let's use vegas since this analogy is like a road trip. my car gets stalled and i'm stuck in the desert. no exits in sight. home and vegas are both far away. it's hot and i have limited resources. no cars stop to help. it's just me and my car. and just to make things worse...there's no reception to call on my cell. at first...i try and fix the car. it takes a long while before i realize the battery is done and i need to jumpstart it and get it moving. however...i don't do that. i just stay by my car and think. i stay by my car and find something else productive to do. i do everything but the right thing to get back on my way. ultimately...with the heat getting to me, time dwindling away, and the pressure rising...i do what's right. this is my life...this is me in recent years up until now when i'm finally doing what i need to do. it's unfortunate that i've let this happen to me...that i've made a whole lot of bad moves and failed to succeed on a habitual basis. but that's no longer the case. yes...i'm still suffering although this time around there's meaning to it...there's purpose. it's more than suffering...it's sacrifice...it's investment. this very same concept that applies to love applies to my life. after all we live to love and love to live. and not just love to live as in we love our lives but we love in order to live...to exist. anyways...this week has been exhausting for me. it's a relatively short week but so much has happened. i've been working at night and going to the hospital/school during the day. i'm sad that i won't be an active part of the retreat this weekend. i have not spent much time at home and i'm physically/emotionally/spiritually drained. so much negativity...and yet hope exists. i've improved relationships with co-workers, gotten off on a good start to the new term, and i've made amends with classmates/friends that have been distant with me for the past couple of weeks. i have a weekend of no work or school obligations that i plan to spend healing and recovering my whole self. i will be a prayer warrior for the retreat which has always produced nothing but positive things in the lives of the people i pray for and for myself. i'm a broken man indeed...under construction after having been torn down to build myself back up. i've got a lot to make up for and prove to my family, friends, peers, and myself. it's going to take a lot of time to get to where i want to be with my being and my life but i'll get there...my car is up and running and i'm on the way to vegas. and when i get there...i'll know for sure that the journey has made the destination all the more worthwhile. don't stop believing...hold on to that feeling! hahaha...couldn't help myself. auf wiedersen homies.

"...and he gets it."

this weekend didn't turn out the way i thought it would...or wanted it to for that matter. i wanted to sing at the confirmation ceremonies but i couldn't. i wanted to go to mount st. mary's "anak'd up" pcn for tash and others but i had to go to my grandpa's birthday dinner instead. i didn't expect to go to newport beach today. there was plenty of things that turned out different...but i not only managed to deal with it in the end...i was able to benefit from it somehow. by not singing at the confirmation masses...i got to serve in other ways like ushering and eucharistic ministering. shoot...i even got to be a sponsor for 15 minutes haha. basically...i got to spend time with the people i helped and watched grow in their faith. a truly beautiful spectacle to be a witness to. and i still got the chance to sing this weekend with trinity at mass this morning...complete with a oh so delicious filipino breakfast.

i've been planning to go to tash's pcn for months and i end up going to a dinner that was literally planned in hours. seriously...i was crushed that i couldn't go. i felt like i was letting a lot of people down...especially tash since this was such a big accomplishment and moment for her and as i friend i wanted to be there supporting her. but of course...family comes first. i got to spend time with my grandparents and see my grandpa so happy and so alive at 80. it really was sweet.

earlier this night...pat and i went to newport beach unexpectedly to check out an event at queen of the angels. on the random note...i "felt" kobe's presence at the church and pat laughed...only to be told by dennis that he actually was there at mass! what a dedicated catholic...going to mass right after he whomped on the nuggets in the afternoon. anywho...pat and i expected to just take part in the festivities and watch fiat perform. we ended up helping out and grilling hamburgers for everyone there. it was quite cool...i became part of the grill club that edward, dennis, and pat established haha. by the way...there will be plenty of bbqs this summer...guaranteed. there was good music, definitely good food, and father matt (the priest that looks like Jesus who does adoration at scrc for the young adults night) gave an awesome talk about the Holy Trinity and adoration. and yes...there was adoration (there had to be after all the talk about it!) and it was a truly uplifiting and beautiful experience. i mean...i rediscovered something that was lacking in my recent previous adorations. to finish the night...father matt granted me a much needed confession. and oh my goodness...what a confession it was. it was such a good way to end the weekend and start off the new week. like i said...this weekend went from expected to the unexpected. and it's true...the good things in life are unexpected.

queen of the angels is an amazing parish...i commend my friends who volunteer there for their efforts, passion, and commitment. i hope that once i get out of concorde next year i can help out as well. speaking of which...i have finals coming up and i got to make it through to the next term. seriously...this is going to take a part of my swag...wait...all of my swagger! peace, joy, and love...aloha!

"clarity."

i'll discuss more light-hearted things in the blogs to come after this but for now...let's be serious. there's an issue that was bound to come up sooner or later. people have been talking about it...no surprise there. people have been reading these blogs...as expected. but i should have expected misunderstanding. let me make this clear...i have no animosity, hatred, disdain towards anyone. seriously...it's all good. to all who this pertains to...remember this: i love you no matter what. you're always in my prayers. no matter the distance or lack of time together...the way i feel will be constant and strong. never doubt it. don't believe everything you see or hear...or read for that matter. on that note...take more time understanding everything in regards to certain situations and instances. i'm tired of having to defend my stance and perspectives...by now people should know me and the way i feel. to all those affected...i don't apologize for any misconceptions and miscommunication...it is what it is. all there is to do now is to keep loving and living ya dig? alright then...take care to all and to all a good night!

"countdown."

bodyworlds was awesome. it was a great, revealing exhibit that i recommend everyone to check out. i just loved the fact that i haven't been on a field trip in years and i got to spend time in LA for once. going to the california science center was quite nostalgic...i realized that including this time i've gone there once every two years. first time was prom...second time was asking my ex out. this time around was entirely different for the better...i actually was going for science...imagine that. it was a reminder for me that times have really changed...and i'm damn happy about it.

and what better way to finish off a field trip than galavanting/getting mochi in little tokyo. ah...perfecto!

pat brought something interesting to my attention. as of today...there is 21 days left until my birthday. yes...no one cares but me and maybe pat since he is the one who told me. either way...i'm excited that i've got 3 weeks left in "limbo" before the big 2-1. because there's 21 days left...i am inspired to do something special/new/different each day leading up to may 8 as a means of celebration. since it's almost midnight...i plan to do two things tomorrow to catch up with this idea. 21 days, 21 ways. what those 21 things are i don't know yet...i'm just going with it. all i know is that it's going to be exciting.

this weekend is going to be a very busy weekend. confirmation fesitivites for almost all of saturday. my tatay's birthday dinner at sam woo and/or tash's pcn saturday night. working almost all sunday afternoon. studing for finals this upcoming thursday. oh my goodness...the last full week of april is turning out to be a wild one.

speaking of finals...it's only been 4 weeks or so and i already have another final to study for. i'm worried because my performance during med/surg in regards to homework has been subpar and it's brought my grade dramatically down. i'm playing catch-up right now...doing whatever it takes to raise my grade before finals. once again...finals is a staggering 50% of the total grade so i'm hoping to make the cut again. on a lighter note...with finals comes another much needed 5-day weekend...yes!

here's something worth knowing/remembering. never say you don't deserve someone when you should believe that you are good enough to have that person in your life and/or by your side. that was something heath ledger talked about in 10 things i hate about you. if you must know when...it's the part where heath talks to joseph gordon-lewitt before he has to help out julia stiles. you truly deserve everything you set your mind on and put your heart into. believe in yourself and never doubt what you can do or who you really are.

why did i post this? because it was something worth remembering personally today. my confidence can't help but be shaken sometimes...but it's reminders like this that keep me up and going on

"thanks for the memories."

another retreat has come and gone. this was a very different experience. more people, different location, higher alertness and expectations for execution. it was a very good retreat...even if this was the craziest small group i've had (not to be confused with most troublesome or disruptive). it was a good getaway from the stresses of life and i feel like it was an opportunity to just be free and have a refocused and refreshed outlook on things and relationships in my life.

here's something graphically interesting. in spite of blink 182's enema of the state and numerous enema references in the media and such...i didn't know what an enema really was until today at the hospital. oh sure...i knew it had something to do with something going inside the rectum but now i know what it's all about. and yes...i learned by doing one on a patient. it helps with constipation and the release of bowel movement. at the same time i also learned how to perform a digital check (i'm not sure if that's the right term). i knew i was bound to probe someone's butt with my fingers some time so it's better now than later.

tomorrow...i'm going with my class to bodyworlds at the california science center. yeah...it sounds like a theme park shaped like the human body. rachel and pat made a humourous observation by thinking it was some gay event. it's obvious to see where they're coming from. that title is quite ambiguous i must say. the fact that it's actually called bodyworlds 3 makes it more gay. oh well...regardless of how it sounds and what it may seem like...it's going to be a cool experience.

the one opportunity i get to go to LA during the week and it's for educational purposes...and i have to go back asap for work. it seems like i haven't worked in ages. technically...i haven't been to work since two sundays ago but so much has happened already. i hope i'm not all awkward and what not...but i'm sure i'm hoping for too much.

i never thought this would happen but it did...seattle's best in the spectrum is closing down tomorrow. back in the day (which just so happened to be last year)...sbc used to be one of the places i'd go to whenever i needed to just chill or talk with friends. i've met countless friends there, had numerous green tea lattes and javanilla shakes, and way too many laughs and good times to remember. seriously...as much as it makes rachel cocky....she's right: if not for her, i wouldn't have really had anything to do with sbc. and so...tonight a whole lot of us were there for one last time. austin, martin, jp, nikki, achi, tiff, brother bear, dennis, katrina, nick, christian, pat, matt, steven, jen, jennie, jbear, rachel, mike dub, and myself were all in attendance to have one last drink (mine just so happened to be a javanilla shake that messed me up later on when i ate shabu-shabu). ah...things are changing yet again. it truly is spring...when the coldness melts upon the arrival of warmer and brighter things.

10 more days until medsurg finals...let the madness begin.

thanks for reading...peace out!